December 29, 2009 in Wellness, featured by empoweringwellness

Do You Need a Coach?

People ask me all the time about life and wellness coaching. What is it? What does a coach do? What’s a session like?

Working with a coach can help people break through obstacles that may be preventing them from leading the life they wish to lead. Coaches usually work with clients one-on-one, either in person or by telephone, to support their learning and growth within a safe and supportive relationship.

As a coach, I view my clients as being creative, capable and complete individuals, who are fully capable of leading the life they desire. But, like most coaches, I help my clients move past blind spots. I hold them accountable and help them to build self-awareness, engage in new forms of thinking, and most importantly, take new actions to achieve the results they desire.

There are many personal reasons for engaging a coach. They include:

• A desire to make a change in your life or lifestyle (work, exercise, diet, wellness, smoking, etc.)
• Getting help adapting to a planned or unforeseen life transition (employment, loss of loved one / grief, divorce / separation, etc.)
• Resolving issues related to time management
• Help in achieving greater work / life balance
• Help in finding deeper meaning, passion and purpose in life
• Learning how to adapt and flow with life changes
• Embracing a healthier lifestyle (weight loss, diet, exercise, nutrition, smoking cessation, etc.)
• Managing stress

Coaches typically do not tell clients what to do. We don’t prescribe solutions. Rather, we tend to act as facilitators and help clients figure out solutions for themselves. My job as a coach is to listen, ask questions, and to give honest feedback.

It’s important to understand that coaching is all about receiving non-judgmental support and encouragement. A coach provides an unbiased, listening ear. Coaching is not therapy or counseling. Coaching is not about dealing with past issues – it’s about moving forward in the present. Coaching is not designed for people who are suffering with mental illness or severe clinical / chronic depression, and many coaches work hand-in-hand with therapists and counselors to ensure their clients receive proper care.

A typical session lasts 30-60 minutes and together we look at your issues in a structured way. In my practice, I usually like to start with an online tool called The Wellness Assessment, which is a “whole person” assessment and lifestyle program designed to help you gain personal insight into your state of physical, emotional, and spiritual wellness. The program offers guidance and tools to transform this new awareness into lasting changes in your life, and a renewed sense of health and wellbeing. Specific, achievable goals are usually set during each session, and the coach monitors the progress of the client in achieving those goals.

People from all walks of life use life coaches. In general, clients seek out a coach because they want or need additional encouragement and honest feedback about challenges they face. Many people who hire a coach are already successful, but they want to achieve more. Life and wellness coaching is not just for the rich and famous. Most clients are ordinary people who simply want to get a particular issue in their life sorted out. People who approach coaches are ready to take action and need a helping hand to get to where they want to be.

Learn more about coaching and the Wellness Assessment.

December 15, 2009 in Wellness by empoweringwellness

Work, Life, Play. Finding your "Play Mojo"

In their new bestselling book, “Womenomics,” authors Claire Shipman (ABC News Correspondent) and Katty Kay (BBC World News American Newswoman) write about how highly credentialed and educated women have increased their value in the workplace. Based on a study conducted by Pepperdine University over a period of 19-years, Shipman and Kay note that companies with more women in top positions post higher profits that exceed their industry median.

What does this mean? It translates to greater leverage for women in the workplace. It means that if employers want to maintain their position, they will need to retain these highly skilled and experienced women workers. And Shipman and Kay contend, they’ll “adapt to our lifestyle demands.” Ultimately this translates to more opportunities for women to negotiate flexible work schedules that to create balance between the demands of career and the needs of their families.

Balancing work and the demands of home life have always been challenging for women, much more so than for men. According to my friend and colleague, Terrill Welch, a women’s leadership coach, “Women still usually have primary responsibility for home management, child-care and elder care.” Terrill emphatically suggests that companies establish a workplace culture that supports work/life balance for everyone in the office. “The encroachment of work into personal and family time is an issue for both women and men,” Welch says.

So that’s good news for women, right? Yes, but maybe no.

The good news is that women are in a better position than ever to negotiate “family friendly” work schedules. But, if all you are doing is substituting one form of work (your career) for another form of work (demands of home and family life), is that really contributing to your overall well-being?

Most of our adult daily life falls under one of two categories: work and play. And for adults the majority of time is usually spent on work with far too little time allowed for play. As adults, we tend to spend leisure time on escape activities, distractions from the responsibilities of work. And for working women, spending time with the family often means taking on the role of caregiver, taking the children to soccer practice, to the swim meet, planning activities and events for them.

Where is the playtime for you?

It’s not an easy question to answer, for we are all brought up in society where we put our needs secondary to those of our children. It’s natural. Every parent wants a better life for her child, and that is only right.

But maybe there is another way. What I suggest is that we look for ways to engage in joyful, creative and spontaneous play that is vital to your well-being. It doesn’t mean that you are going to shirk your responsibilities as caregiver, as chauffeur. Rather, I suggest that you look for ways to engage with your children in simple play.

The fondest memories of my childhood are the simplest memories – playing “catch” in the backyard with my father. Flying a kite with my mom and dad on a Saturday picnic. Helping my mom prepare a picnic lunch that we all enjoyed together as a family (ok, I admit there is some “work” in that!).

I turn to Vared DeLeeuw, who writes MomGrind and who is rapidly becoming one of my favorite writers on the Internet. She just published a great article titled 40+ Activities for Kids, and she lists some fabulous ideas and ways to re-introduce yourself to the idea of spontaneous play with your children.

Among my favorites:

Practicing hoola hoop! I actually remember doing this with my mom during the first hula hoop craze in the late 1950’s. It was a joyful moment, and is a lovely memory for me to this day!

Play hide and seek. I did that with my parents too! What fun!

Go exploring in the backyard. I remember “camping out” in our backyard with my dad and brother. What an adventure!

These are just a few examples, but I hope you can see how “playing” with your children can help rekindle the inner child in you. And what better example to set for your children than showing them that even as an adult, it is “ok” to play, to be spontaneous, to laugh and squeal with joy! Rather than teaching them how to live, you are living life and showing them how to live.

What a wonderful lesson that would be.

December 7, 2009 in Wellness by empoweringwellness

Creating Balance in Your Life – The Ancient Concept of Yin and Yang

Everyday in my practice I work with clients who suffer from anxiety, stress and depression and more. These clients are women who are over burdened with the pressures of balancing career, marriage, relationships, children and family. These burdens lead to a host of physical problems including high blood pressure, sleep disorders and the ever popular, “can you fix the pain in my neck?”

What is most perplexing to me however is that in almost all cases, my clients choose to carry their burden as a “badge of honor,” that can be proudly displayed in front of their friends and family as if to shout, “look at me! Look at how well I am multi-tasking!” They have accepted this situation as normal in their life, and in some cases welcome it in a co-dependent way.

There is a way out however. In order to reduce the level of anxiety, stress and their associated symptoms, we need to look back to the ancient Chinese. My clients are living in a state of imbalance and struggle between the concepts of yin and yang.

The ancient Chinese were keen observers and were greatly interested in the relationships and patterns that occurred in nature. In the West, our scientific method teaches us to deconstruct nature. But the ancient Chinese viewed the world differently. They viewed the world as a harmonious and holistic entity. In their eyes, no single being or form could exist unless it was seen in relation to its surrounding environment.

“The Book of Changes” was written in China in the 3rd century BC and introduces us to the notion of yin and yang. Yin energy represents Mother Earth (think cool, dark). Yin energy is the feminine side of nature; it is quiet, solid and grounded. Yang energy represents the Sun (think bright, hot) and it represents the masculine aspect of nature. Working together and in balance, Yin and Yang’s harmonious balance allows healthy Chi (life energy) to flow in the body and within all life.

In a brilliant article written by Dr. Darryl Pokea titled “Out of Control Yang, The Root of Chaos, Cancer and Dis – Ease”, Pokea states, “In Western Culture, we are currently witnessing the effects of over-intense yang without the necessary proportional balance of yin. . . . In Chinese Medicine, yang that is distorted is considered weak yang because it has little or no healthy yin balance. Such a state is the antithesis of all creation, as Mother Earth itself is considered yin. Chinese Medicine teaches us that to strengthen weak yang, you first strengthen yin and then weak yang, in its interface with healthy strong yin, will in equal proportion become healthy and strong. Likewise, yin’s natural state and flow is also weakened whenever it is not permitted healthy expression in response to weak, out of control, driven yang.”

He goes on to write that many people in the West (and the US in particular) “support and admire those who are out of balance in Yin / Yang identities. Weak Yang may be viewed in those who have a fierce, self-centered illusion of independence without regard to others.”

I see this situation all of the time in my practice. In the case of my clients, imbalance of yang not manifested in abuse of power, but it is manifested in the abuse of the body. I have so many women who come to see me who have made a conscious decision to not slow down, to fill every waking moment of their life with activity, to over-exercise and within their careers to adopt yang-like emotions in an effort to make themselves appear strong. As Pokea writes, “such a state is the antithesis to all creation as Mother Earth is considered yin. In the end, true strength comes from a balance between yin and yang.

Chinese Medicine teaches that the body relies on the dynamic balance of yin and yang. These two opposing forces drive the functioning of the tissues and organs, Yin is best described as static and at rest while Yang can be described dynamic and active. When the opposing forces of Yin and Yang are balanced in the tissues, organs, and blood, the body will be resistant to disease and will stay healthy.

One of the most important ways to maintain the balance of yin and yang is to take charge of mental activities and learn to relax the mind. Calming the mind is necessary to alleviate pressure, stress and related mental disorders. Other activities, such as acupuncture, acupressure, certain forms of massage, and practices such as yoga can all help the body to adjust itself, increasing what is underactive, and decreasing what is overactive. Physical exercise is also important, but should be combined with mindful meditation to calm the mind.

Chinese medicine teaches us:

Yin contains yang – If we look at the symbol below for yin and yang, notice the white dot within the dark paisley swirl. Even within the darkness of yin, there is found lightness of yang, and vice versa – within yang is always found yin.

- Yin becomes yang – In our own life we often experience both the slow transformations of yin into yang, and yang into yin, and the quick changes. We wake up in the morning; yin becomes yang. Sometimes our awakening is slow, leisurely; this is a slow transformation. Sometimes we wake with a start and jump out of bed, perhaps because we realized we overslept. When we work long hours for many weeks or months in a row (a very yang lifestyle), our body may seek balance by suddenly making us too sick to work (a very yin lifestyle), or it may gift us with a severe headache of case of the flu to slow us down. Yang is quickly transformed into yin.

- Yin controls yang – If we stay too long in an unbalanced situation, the universe acts to restore balance. It throws us to the other side: our health may suffer; our lives may change. If we do not heed the need for balancing yin and yang, this transition can be devastating; a heart attack could be the balancing force applied to us. These imbalances are often referred to as either a “deficiency” or an “excess.” We can have an excess of yin or a yin deficiency; we can have an excess of yang or a yang deficiency. The cure is to apply the opposite energy to control the excess or deficiency.

In the Eastern world of the ancient Chinese, the need for balance is well known, understood and accepted. Sadly, in the West, the concepts of yin and yang are more foreign. We don’t think in these terms and our lifestyles rarely reflect the need for balance. We tend to seek balance only when the universe forces us to pay attention. At the end of the day however, we can make a conscious choice to seek balance. We have free will. The choice is ours.

True strength, comes from a connection to the sacred feminine, which means a balance between yin and yang. Helping my clients see this is one of the goals of my practice, and sometimes it is a hard sell. And true health, begins and ends with a balance between yin and yang.

The ancient Chinese figured it out more than 2000 years ago. We’re just trying to catch up.

December 6, 2009 in Emotional Healing, Massage Therapy, featured by empoweringwellness

Emotional Healing, Tissue Memory and Bodywork – What Happens and Why It is a Good Thing

Eastern medicine and thought have long ago made the connection between our body and our mind. Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) takes this idea one step further with the view that we are all connected to the earth and the surrounding universe. Most Native and aboriginal cultures recognize the mind / body connection as well as the deeper connection to the universe. Somehow we in the West fell off that wagon, and it’s only now that we’re trying to get back on.

In his groundbreaking book, “Healing Ancient Wounds – A Renegade’s Wisdom,” author John Barnes describes how injuries and trauma encountered in life affect our minds as well as our bodies. He describes how during treatment of the body, all kinds of feelings and sensations can be released. These sensations may include shaking, pain, tremors, and emotions. Barnes says that feelings are released by triggering what he calls “tissue memory.”

Our body responds to triggers brought on by our five senses: sight, smell, taste, sound, and touch. These are called “proprioceptive triggers.” Powerful images of tragic events such as those that occurred on September 11th, can bring you back to that moment. You may vividly recall exactly where you were and what you were doing. Songs or music may also produce triggers. For me, the old Glenn Miller classic “Moonlight Serenade,” brings me back to my wedding day. All of the emotions, the excitement of that first dance with my wife come flooding back to me. More than 20 years later, the images, emotions and memories associated with that song are still as strong as they were on the day I was married. And all it takes is a song!

Similarly, when fascia (the densely woven connective tissue that surrounds every muscle, bone, nerve, artery and vein as well as all of our internal organs including the heart, lungs, brain and spinal cord) is released through touch, tissue memory can also be triggered. What is especially interesting about fascia is that it is not just a system of separate coverings. It is actually one structure that exists from head to foot without interruption. As such, each part of the body is connected to each other. This is one reason why pain may occur in other parts of the body, away from the area of the original trauma.

When an area injured during trauma (whether it is an accident, abuse, invasive surgery) is released, all of the feelings, emotions, and sensations that you experienced during the initial event may also be released. The same fear, the same pain, the same anxiety may resurface, just as intensely as when the original trauma occurred. At the subconscious level, this is what your body has been feeling all along. In order to fully heal, these sensations must be fully felt so that they can be released.

In her book, “A Patient’s Guide to Understanding John F. Barnes Myofascial Release,” physical therapist Cathy Covell writes:

Fully feeling these sensations is easy to say, but not always easy to do. Remember that the sensations can feel as intense as they did during the initial trauma itself. Many times these sensations that occurred during the trauma were overwhelming, which is why we didn’t release them in the first place. One of our self-defense mechanisms that automatically take over when we are overwhelmed with pain, fear, etc. is to leave our body. What I mean is that we can become completely numb and stuff the pain and emotions. It can seem just as overwhelming when the tissue memory is triggered again.

A sensitive therapist, within the therapeutic environment, can help a client fully connect mind and body, and help the client to safely release the sensations associated with the trauma. It is only through this kind of release that you can truly heal. Unless you completely let go, your body continues to experience the trauma at a subconscious level. If the body doesn’t release, restrictions can form in the fascia, creating chronic pain and making it worse over time. The added stress on your body may also compromise your body’s immune system, which can lead to other forms of illness.

Within the therapeutic environment, with a competent and sensitive therapist, you have the ability to release and clear the pain and trauma of the past. When we fully let go of the pain of our past, we can embrace life in the present, and experience the love and beauty of living in the moment.

December 6, 2009 in Emotional Healing, featured by empoweringwellness

Reclaiming Your Body and Spirit – Loving Touch and Trauma Recovery

I wrote this article for Owning Pink and it was first published there on September 30, 2009. Domestic violence is still a scourge in our country, with 3 women each day being killed by their partner. Please. If you are a victim, read this article and know: you are not alone. There are people ready, willing and able to help.

Sometimes, you have to go a long way out of the way, in order to come back a short distance correctly. – From “The Zoo Story,” by Edward Albee

Time: The Present

I’ve come to my current career very late in my life. After working for many years in both government and in the corporate world, I walked away from that life 5 years ago. I wanted to do something completely different. I wanted to help people in a different way. So, I became a massage therapist and coach, and now just like the character in Albee’s play, I feel that I’m on my proper path and I’m on a collision course with my destiny.

The story doesn’t stop there however. I could be working in a spa somewhere, doing hot stone massage, or lavender salt scrub treatments (which are both great by the way!). No, my path is very different. I work with women who are victims and survivors of abuse and trauma. The majority of my clients are victims of sexual abuse or domestic violence.

In many respects trauma is something that we’ve all experienced to one degree or another. You may have been in or have witnessed an accident or other traumatic event. You might have received invasive surgery. Or, you may have experienced violence at the hand of a partner or spouse. Trauma is all around us, and we are all survivors.

Most of us actually diminish the effects of trauma to the detriment of our physical and emotional health. Victims quickly learn survival and coping skills. They dissociate from their bodies. In extreme cases, they become numb from the effects of drugs or alcohol, and they begin to lose feeling in their bodies. The pain is numbed out, but this process is not selective. Victims also cannot feel joy, and they numb out their capacity to feel safe and alive and enjoy the world around them.

So, the work of the therapist here is, to gently and lovingly, reintroduce touch back to the victim. A sensitive and caring therapist guides clients through this process, asking “Where is the pain or tension?” and always asking permission to touch. Over the course of the work, the client slowly begins to take residence in her body again.

You may think that I have taken an odd or unusual path. I have wondered about that myself, especially in the beginning. When I first started my practice, I wondered, “Why are these women coming to see me? What is it that I’m putting out there?” But as I have moved down this path, the answer became clearer to me, and as you might expect, the answer was really right in front of me all the time.

You see, I have witnessed and have experienced abuse first hand and I too am a survivor of sorts.

Time: The Past

My father was a functional alcoholic. On the surface, he was friendly and gregarious. But, when he drank a very dark side came out. I witnessed my father slamming my sister into a wall and beating her for some infraction that I no longer am able to remember. I routinely cowered in my room; afraid to come out as my father abused my mother, listening to shouting and screaming matches that seemed to go on for hours, but I’m sure were really only minutes.

When I was four years old, I disobeyed my father. I wanted to go outside and play. It had been raining and there was water everywhere. My father said, “Don’t get wet or you will be very sorry!”

I went outside, and as little boys are likely to do, I jumped in puddles and splashed around everywhere.

I got wet. I was soaked to the skin.

When my mother called me for dinner, I got scared. I ran and hid in a little secret garden space in a hedgerow located on the side of our house. Perhaps if I stayed there long enough I would dry. But, I was so wet that I began to shiver. I sat there, listening to my mother call me, and then my father. I heard footsteps and then I saw my father’s face. He saw that I was soaked.

The last thing I remember was the look of anger on his face as grabbed my arm and pulled me violently into the air. I vaguely remember the first blow, and I have no further recollections after that. I have tried over the years to remember, but the memories are completely blacked out. I can remember, several hours later, seeing my father in the darkened living room watching television. I remember walking over to the sofa, asking him if I could sit next to him, and asking him if he still loved me. But, I cannot remember anything else. Those minutes, those moments, are completely lost to me.

As I grew older, the yelling, screaming and fighting continued. When I was sixteen, it finally stopped.

It was a particularly violent argument. My father had been drinking again and the usual scene was being played out. I was in my room, fearing the worst when I heard my father say to my mother, “I’m going to kill you.” I will never forget those words.

The rest is a blur to me, but I remember running to the kitchen and stepping in between my father and mother. I stared into his eyes and saw the rage.
I was terrified when I said, “Don’t you touch my mother.”

My fists clenched and I was ready to take the first blow, but I was determined that this would end, right then and there.

He just stared at me. Once again, time seemed to stop for me. It seemed like an eternity. My father mumbled something. I stiffened, ready to fight back, my fists clenched. He mumbled something again, and then he softened and turned away. My mother just looked at me and said, “Go to bed. It’s ok.”

That was the last violent time I remember. Yes, there were the disagreements that most families have. But, the screaming and the shouting stopped. I felt I could breathe at last. We all could.

Time: The Present. A Typical Session.

Working with trauma victims / survivors is very different. It’s not a typical massage session.

Initial sessions are usually done with the client fully clothed and every session is different, and tailored to the specific needs of my clients. There is no protocol, no cookbook. I do start with the detailed physical and medical history, and I ask a lot of questions about a client’s emotional health. I need to understand what she is ready for, and what she is willing to undertake. I usually ask a very simple question. “Is there anything in your past that you would feel comfortable sharing with me today?”

I almost always start with some sort of visualization and breathing exercise. I ask the client to take stock of her body, to scan it and I ask if there is any place that feels pain, tension, or feels empty. The client has to set the tone of the session. It is her session, not mine. She sets the pace. I will ask if there is an area of her body where she would like to receive work, and then I ask if she would like some contact in that area.

Sometimes, I will ask her to touch the part of her body where she would like to receive work. Permission is always required, as the goal of the session is to bring the client back into her body, to reconnect the mind and body, and to awaken the client. Throughout this process, I’m constantly checking in with the client to identify any feelings that may be taking shape.

The most important aspect of the work is to pay attention and be exceptionally present for her. This is not the time for me to be thinking about the errands I have to run on my way home from the office, or what I have to do tomorrow, or what I’d like to have for dinner or lunch. I am constantly monitoring my client’s reactions to see how my touch affects her. Is she clenching her teeth, her fists? Is her brow furrowed? Has her breathing pattern changed?

Subtle touch and energy modalities such as Reiki and Cranial Sacral Therapy can also be effective. I have taught Reiki to clients – there are a number of self-healing and grounding exercises that can help to restore a person. I also focus on mindfulness and teach conscious breathing and other meditative practices to help a client live in this moment, in this now. Over time, they learn to live one day at a time.

It takes time. But, a sensitive therapist, within the therapeutic environment, can help a client fully connect mind and body, and help the client to safely release the sensations associated with the trauma or abuse. It is only through this kind of release that you can truly heal. Unless you completely let go, your body continues to experience the trauma at a subconscious level. When we fully let go of the pain of our past, we can embrace life in the present, and experience the love and beauty of living in the moment.

Where to turn for help:

You’re scared. You’re frightened. You feel alone and feel that you have no place to go.
But, you are not alone and you can get help. Most major metropolitan areas have rape crisis centers. There are also resources for domestic violence.

In an emergency: Call 911 if you need immediate assistance of if you’ve already been hurt.

For advice and support: If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a nonprofit organization that provides crisis intervention, information and referral to victims of domestic violence, perpetrators, friends and families. Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services.

For rape or sexual assault: RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network).RAINN is the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization. At any given moment, more than 1,100 trained volunteers are on duty and available to help victims at RAINN-affiliated crisis centers across the country.

To reach a qualified counselor for help, call 1-800-656-HOPE.

For a safe place to stay: Contact your state’s branch of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence or another local organization. For contact information, visit their site.

If you are being abused please remember:

• You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
• You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
• You deserve to be treated with respect.
• You deserve a safe and happy life.
• Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
• You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

If you are a survivor, it is indeed possible to reclaim your body and reconnect to your spirit. It takes courage, and it can be done.

Forgiveness

As for me, I’m still working to reclaim the memories of that four year old boy. I want those memories back, even if they are painful. They are mine. They have made me who I am today. I want to know what happened. I need to know what happened so that I will never forget. I own those memories, and I will recover them.

Over time, I forgave my father. I never fully understood why he would boil over in such a rage when he drank. Perhaps it was something in his childhood. He rarely would share his emotions or his experiences. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he lost both of his parents when he was only 5 years old.

Or perhaps his rage was caused by his experiences in WWII. He fought with the US Army throughout Europe and would never, ever talk about what he did, or what he saw. Post-traumatic stress syndrome was barely known back then. They called it “shell shock,” or “battle fatigue,” and treatment was inconsistent and usually ineffective.

There always was an uneasy tension between us created by the memory of that night when I was 16 years old. My father is an enigma to me and I will never know him. He passed away in 1984. We spent the intervening years with small talk and chit chat. We never, ever talked about that night, or about any of the hundreds of nights when there was anger and violence. He’s gone now, and I missed my opportunity to get to know and understand him.

If he were here today, I would have the courage to reach out to him. I have different skills now, and I’m a much different person. It is the courage that only comes from having traveled a long way out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly.

Peace.

December 6, 2009 in Emotional Healing, Wellness, featured by empoweringwellness

The Need for Touch

The other night, my wife and I were cleaning up after dinner. And after all the dishes were put up in the washer, the leftovers put away into the refrigerator, counters wiped down, we just stood there in the middle of our kitchen and hugged each other. We held that hug for several minutes. And afterwards she said, “I need more of that.”

And in fact, so do us all. We crave touch from the very moment we are born. We learn through touch. It’s where we first develop feelings of attachment and self-esteem. The act of receiving nurturing touch makes us feel safe; it comforts us, and lets us know that we are loved.

Unfortunately, in America, we seem to be very uncomfortable with touch. And I am not for a minute suggesting that we all abandon our personal boundaries, but we don’t have to always apologize when we accidently intrude upon another persons “space.”

Consider how touch is used in other parts of the world. Throughout Europe, it is common for women to walk down the street arm-in-arm. In many parts of the world, men and women alike exchange a kiss on both cheeks as the common form of greeting. In Greece it is common for men to dance, arm-in-arm (and it’s not just induced by too much Ouzo!).

Sadly here in the US, we restrict our hugs to that “all-American A-frame,” bent over at the waist, touching only the upper parts of our bodies. And what about those “air kisses?” What is it with that?

Touch connects us to our own humanity, and nurturing touch improves our well-being. Consider this:

o  A study was conducted at a major university library. Librarians were instructed alternately to touch and not touch the hands of students as they handed back their library cards. Then the students were interviewed. Those who had been touched reported far greater positive feelings about themselves, the library, and the librarians than those who had not been touched. This occurred even though the touch was fleeting and the students didn’t even remember it.

o According to Adoption.com, Studies conducted in orphanages and hospitals tell us that infants deprived of skin contact will lose weight, become ill and may even die. Premature babies given periods of touch therapy gain weight faster, cry less, and show more signs of relaxed pulse, respiration rate and muscle tension.

o  Marriage and family counselors report that that couples in crisis are most likely to have stopped the simple everyday kind of touch that is crucial to a healthy relationship. I am not talking about sexual contact. I’m talking about simple hugs, a caress – soft, loving, nurturing touch that we all so desperately need and want.

As we grow older, we receive less and less touch. We have rationalized that touch is no longer important. We’re adults now. We’re supposed to be tough. Sadly, we may come to associate touch exclusively with sexuality, and we forget that as adults we still need touch as much as we did when we were children. Unfortunately, the elderly are the least touched group in our society. They receive less touch because they are more likely to be living alone.

Simple, loving, human touch can:

o  Reduce anxiety and stress
o  Promote peace of mind
o  Improve our focus and promote a state of mental alertness
o  Enhance our ability to think creatively but calmly
o  Promote a feeling of being cared for and nurtured
o  Help fight off disease by stimulating the immune system
o Improve our sense of body image

So I ask you to look for ways to increase the amount of touch in your life. How? Here are a few ideas.

o  If you are in a relationship, talk to your partner about your need for touch. If you feel that something is lacking or needs to be changed, change it. Take the initiative. Reach out spontaneously and hold hands. Hold a hug longer than usual. Share a back rub, or foot massage.

o  Don’t be shy. Ask for touch. It’s totally ok to say to a friend or loved one, “I need a hug.” And it’s also ok to ask a friend or loved one, “Would you like a hug?” You’ll be surprised at how many people will say yes.

o  Consider regular bodywork / massage. This is not self-indulgent behavior. America lags behind in “well care.” In most of the world, advanced bodywork and massage therapy is integrated into the healthcare system. It should be part of our health care system here too. Shame on us for not recognizing this.

o  If there is an elderly person in your life, don’t be afraid to touch them. A gentle touch to their hands, a caress on the cheek, and the loving embrace of a hug can fill the void of an aching heart. Too many of our parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles face their final years alone. They age alone, their own friends gone, and they live alone too often with only a television for company. Reach out to them. Touch them and give them the compassion they deserve.

How have I increased touch in my life? Every morning, before my wife leaves to go to her office, I give her a hug. We hold the hug to a count of 100. Or more. It’s the best part of my day.

Peace.

December 6, 2009 in Mindfulness and Meditation by empoweringwellness

Understanding Mindfulness

“Mindfulness” is the term that describes the notion of being conscious in the present moment, not allowing your mind to wander into the past or into the future. For many of my clients, it’s difficult for them to be completely present during their bodywork session with me. They may be thinking about the meeting they had earlier in the day, about the list of chores or errands they have to do on the weekend, about the fight they had with their spouse or partner the night before.

We are also conditioned in our society to always be on the go, to cram as much as possible, rushing here and there, trying to multi-task and get as many things done as possible. In fact, the stress that this brings to us is often worn like a badge of honor.

But, it doesn’t have to be that way.

All we really have is life in this moment, at this exact moment (as you read this!), and this is where our life actually takes place and where we experience life. The past is over — it is in, the past. No amount of regret or guilt can change what has already taken place. The future is just a moment in time when we will be in new “now.” Excessive worry about the future disrupts your ability to live in this moment, to enjoy life in the here and now.

Jon Kabat-Zinn is the founder and former Executive Director of the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. He is also the founder (1979) and former director of its renowned Stress Reduction Clinic and Professor of Medicine emeritus at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. He has written numerous books and has dedicated his life to to bringing mindfulness into the mainstream of medicine and society. He writes about the seven pillars of mindfulness. And just like the Reiki principles I wrote about, you can empower yourself to make each moment in your life count by following these seven pillars.

Non-Judging – We need to take the position of an impartial witness to your own experience. We need to become aware of the stream of judging and reacting to inner and outer experiences and step back from it. Categorizing events into good and bad or positive and negative lock us into patterns of behavior that usually have no objective basis.

Here’s an exercise for you. Over a 10-minute period of time, observe how much you are preoccupied with liking and disliking what you are experiencing.

Patience – Patience is a form of wisdom and shows our understanding that life has a tendency to unfold in the way that it was meant to. Despite our desires, sometimes we just can’t will things to happen. Being patient means being confident that you are on the right path, and that life will take you to the right place.

A Beginners Mind – This is a mind set that is open to new possibilities. When you adopt a beginners mind, you can look at each event in your life with the wonder and amazement of a child experiencing life for the first time. I am amazed at how my dogs are able to extract the joy of each moment, whether it is chasing a ball, going for a walk, or chasing birds or squirrels in the back yard. Each moment for them is new. When we adopt this position we say to ourselves, “I don’t know everything in life, and I am open to what life as to teach me.”

Trust – This is a hard one! Trust is about having faith in yourself, trusting your intuition, and the inner voice which guides you in making decisions in your life. You guide your own way and you have to believe in yourself. It is impossible to become like somebody else. Your only hope is to become more fully yourself.

Non-Striving – We are goal driven, and this attitude has led to advances in science, medicine, technology. But there is a price that we pay for striving too much. We become future-oriented and we focus on the act of “getting somewhere” instead of accepting who we are in the here and now.

Acceptance – This is one of the most important pillars. It means that you accept yourself now, in this moment, no matter what is going on in your life. This gives you the freedom to focus your energy on your healing instead of clouding your mind with judgment and fear.

Letting Go – Letting go of feelings, thoughts and situations — both good and bad — is extremely liberating. When we let go, we free ourselves from the chains of our human suffering and unleash ourselves into the beauty and peacefulness of each life-giving moment.

This is a lot to think about. I know. It also requires work and reconditioning ourselves from patterns of behavior that are common and accepted in our society. But if you try to follow these principles, you will take a step forward to make each moment in your life count. In future posts, I will be writing more about what I think is the most important principle of mindfulness — mindful breathing.

December 6, 2009 in Wellness by empoweringwellness

What is this "wellness" stuff?

“The doctor of the future will give no medicine, but will interest his patients in the care of the human frame, in diet, and in the cause and prevention of disease.” – Thomas Edison

Most readers are probably familiar with the names Deepak Chopra, MD or Mehmet Oz, MD. Both men are highly educated and skilled medical doctors. And in recent years both men have become known for espousing complementary, alternative approaches to health, as well as promoting the notion of body-mind connection.

Dr. Chopra in particular has become an increasingly recognizable face of alternative medicine. He has been a staunch advocate of the connection between mind and body. He studied with the founder of Transcendental Meditation, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, advocates meditation and self-awareness as primary factors in both illness and healing.

Dr Chopra, along with Dr. David Simon, founded the Chopra Center in 1996, and its’ mission is to bridge the technological miracles of the West with the wisdom of the East. Early on in his practice, he realized that perfect health is more than just the absence of disease. He began to envision a medical system based upon the premise that health is a dynamic state of balance and the integration of body, mind, and spirit. Today, Dr. Chopra is acknowledged as one of the world’s greatest leaders in the field of mind-body medicine.

What readers may not know, however, is that pioneering work in wellness was actually done by another Harvard-educated MD, more than 20 years before the Chopra Center opened.

In the early 1970s John W. Travis, MD, MPH, was completing his residency at John’s Hopkins and working with the US Public Health Service. A protégé of Dr. Lewis Robbins, creator of the Health Risk Appraisal (HRA), Dr. Travis worked on the earliest computerized HRAs, including one used by the CDC. But by the time he completed his residency, he had made a life-altering decision—rather than treating people as a physician he would dedicate his life to teaching people to be well.

Moving to Mill Valley, California, Dr. Travis opened the first wellness center in the United States in 1975, the Wellness Resource Center. A true wellness pioneer, Dr. Travis had developed a model for lifestyle change that focused on self-responsibility, and engaged the whole person—body, mind, emotions, and spirit. “Wellness” was a new term in American culture, and the new center attracted media attention, including Dan Rather at CBS, who featured the new “wellness center” on 60 Minutes.

As he continued to refine his work at the Center, he created the first wellness assessment, the Wellness Inventory, to use as the Center’s primary client intake. He captured his philosophy in the now classic Wellness Workbook, which has been used by wellness and health promotion educators in undergraduate and graduate programs in universities for over 25 years

So, what is wellness? Both Chopra and Travis agree that wellness considers the “whole person.” And according to Dr. Travis,

• Wellness is a choice—a decision you make to move toward optimal health.

• Wellness is a way of life—a lifestyle you design to achieve your highest potential for well being.

• Wellness is a process—a developing awareness that there is no endpoint, but that health and happiness are possible in each moment, here and now.

• Wellness is a balanced channeling of energy—energy received from the environment, transformed within you, and returned to affect the world around you.

• Wellness is the integration of body, mind, and spirit—the appreciation that everything you do, and think, and feel, and believe has an impact on your state of health and the health of the world.

• Wellness is the loving acceptance of you.

So, now that you know what wellness is, how do you embrace wellness as a lifestyle?

It starts with a conscious decision that you, and only you can make. You have to want to move towards optimal health; this is not something that your doctor can prescribe. It doesn’t come in a pill, or a treatment. As a coach, I always tell my clients that “I cannot coach desire.” The choice is, at the end of the day, yours.

Wellness is like a bridge supported by two piers. Each pier is crucial to the bridge’s integrity just as the two principles of self-responsibility and love are fundamental to the process of wellness. In each case, the piers support a connection between two separate places, allowing for movement back and forth. This freedom to move between different places or attitudes, rather than rigid attachment to any particular one, is the hallmark of wellness.

Self-responsibility and love are primary expressions of life energy. Together, they form the foundations of wellness, and encourage the free flow of all other types of energy. If either principle (or pier) is weakened, living harmoniously (or traversing the bridge) becomes more difficult. When both are strong, energy dances back and forth, and the crossing is easy.

Self-Responsibility Means:

• Discovering your real needs, and finding ways to meet them directly

• Realizing that you are unique and the expert about yourself, and

• Expressing yourself, both your ideas and feelings, in ways that effectively communicate to other people who you are, what you need, and what you know.

Love Means:

• Listening to your own heart–treasuring your uniqueness and your inner wisdom

• Experiencing yourself as your own best friend, and remaining faithful to yourself, especially in the rough times, and

• Realizing your connectedness with all things.

With love and self-responsibility as the foundations of our being, living and wellness are synonymous.

Wellness is a dynamic process because there are seeming contradictions to be resolved, apparent oppositions to be integrated, infinite shades of gray from which to choose. Even though you are connected with everyone else, you are also very much alone, and singularly must make your own life and death decisions. The area that we all need to explore is how to live your life with self-responsibility and love, so that any burdens can be transformed into opportunities, and questions become the impetus for experimentation, for learning, for trusting, and for loving this magnificent and paradoxical creation–yourself.

Travis developed The Wellness Inventory – a “whole person” assessment and lifestyle program designed to help you gain personal insight into your state of physical, emotional, and spiritual wellness. The program offers guidance and tools to transform this new awareness into lasting changes in your life, and a renewed sense of health and wellbeing. It also provides the tools, resources and services to help you reach your wellness goals and bring more balance into your life. If you’d like to learn more, you can take a quick tour of the Wellness Inventory.

In upcoming posts, I’ll discuss three critical components to overall wellness that Dr. Travis identified more than 30 years ago.

1) Wellness is a process and is never a static state.

2) Illness and health is only the tip of an iceberg. To understand their causes, you must look below the surface.

3) We are all energy transformers. All of our life processes, including health and illness, depend upon how well we manage energy.

“You already have the precious mixture that will make you well. Use it!” – Rumi