June 18, 2010 in Emotional Healing, Energy Work, Massage Therapy, Mindfulness and Meditation, featured by empoweringwellness

Learning to Breathe

I wrote this post originally for Owning Pink, and it was first published there on June 9th, 2010. I am republishing it here to share it with my clients and readers.

It’s amazing what children can teach us.

Recently, I had the pleasure to work as one of more than a dozen or so caregivers participating in a “Day of Pampering” for the women of an organization that operates an undisclosed 200 room safe house in Northern Virginia for female domestic violence and sexual assault survivors and their children. The Day of Pampering was being held at a local church. The congregation there had graciously offered to open their doors to the volunteers and survivors. My job that day was to give Reiki, Cranial Sacral Therapy and bodywork to survivors who had signed up for the day.

My first “client” of the day was Najya. That is not her real name, but we have to protect her identity. She came to me on that day to receive energy work. Reiki and Cranial-Sacral Therapy can be very effective methods to re-introduce nurturing touch to survivors, as they are very non-invasive techniques.

I always ask for permission before I begin the session and before I apply touch. It’s the client’s session – in this case, Najya’s session – not mine. She needs to set the tone and the pace. Permission is always required.

Breathing

While I do not have a set protocol when working with survivors, I often like to begin with a deep breathing exercise. It’s a safe exercise, and it helps to bring the client into the moment, helps her to relax, and helps re-connect her with her body.

It’s fascinating. We don’t think about how we breathe, we take breathing for granted and many of us have literally forgotten how to perform this basic act. We have lost our ability to breathe naturally, in the way in which our body was designed. Our lungs are teardrop shaped, and they are meant to be filled from the bottom up. That means breathing from deep within the belly, engaging the thoracic diaphragm, and filling our lungs with air from the bottom up. However, most people fill their lungs from the top down. They engage chest and neck muscles when they breathe. It’s called “chest breathing”, and this is often the source of neck and shoulder pain, and the cause of headaches.

As I began the session, I guided Najya through a typical breathing exercise. I usually do variations of this exercise.

But, Najya was definitely having trouble with this. Try as she might, she just couldn’t seem to get the hang of engaging her belly muscles, engaging her diaphragm. And I just wasn’t doing a very good job guiding her through this.

“I can’t get a full breath,” she said frustratedly.

“No worries,” I replied. “Let’s just move on.”

Calming

So, for the next 10-15 minutes I performed gentle massage, Reiki, and some Cranial Sacral Therapy. I focused my attention on her head, neck and shoulders – gentle, very subtle manipulations, in a very nurturing way. I checked in with Najya throughout, always asking permission to move on. It was her session, and she was in control. And as progressed through the session, I noticed that she began to relax and become more present and in the moment. As that happened, her breathing began to subtly shift from her chest to her belly and diaphragm. And in the end, she was breathing deep from her belly.

Her head was in my hands, and I was about to end the session. I asked her, “How do you feel?”

She took a few seconds to reply and said, “I feel calm.”

I don’t know what made me ask, but I said, “Do you have any children?”

She looked at me, smiled and said, “Yes, I have a baby boy. He’s 8-months old.”

“Have you ever watched him breathe?” I asked.

She thought about it for a second and said, “Not really. No.”

“Where is he?” I asked in hopes that she had brought her young son to the daycare center that the safe house volunteers provided.

“He is here. He’s in the nursery,” she replied.

And then I quickly answered, “Let’s go see him.”

Connecting

I helped her off the massage table, and we walked down the hall together to the nursery. As we entered, Najya walked over to a volunteer who was holding a very big baby boy in her arms, rocking him as he slept. He had a dark head of hair, and a gentle smile on his face as he slept in the arms of his caregiver.

Najya smiled at the volunteer and whispered, “Let me take him.” The volunteer gently handed over this plump baby boy to his mother.

“What is his name?” I asked.

Najya replied, “He is Bahir.” She looked down lovingly at this beautiful baby boy.

Najya cradled her son in her arms. He was sound asleep, and as she held him, she broadened her stance and began to sway slightly, mimicking the rhythm of his breathing.

“Put your hand on his belly,” I whispered as I moved closer to both of them. “Close your eyes and feel the sensation of his breath.” She placed her left hand on his belly, and then closed her eyes, searching for the rhythm of his breath.

“Feel his breath and make it your own,” I said. As I said this, I could watch this little baby boy extend his belly, breathe in through his nose, and ever so slightly breathe out through his mouth.

We stood together in silence for several minutes and Najya began to connect with her son.

After a few minutes I asked, “May I hold him?”

Without a word, she slipped her son into my arms. I quickly said, “Place your hand on his belly, and place your other hand on your belly and mimic his breathing.”

Then, the three of us were just stood there in silence, swaying gently. There was a gentle rhythm to his breath and I was able to count Little Bahir’s breathing patterns. His belly filled to the count of five, and he exhaled to the count of eight. He was sound asleep and just doing this naturally.

“Feel his breath and begin to breathe as one,” I said.

And so we stood there for several minutes. I’m not sure how much time really passed. But, I could see that her breathing patterns had changed. She was now taking deep full breaths, in a very relaxed and natural way. She was breathing as her body was designed to do.

I also noticed subtle changes in her posture. Her shoulders were no longer up around her ears. Tension lines had disappeared from her face.

“Continue to focus on the breath,” I said and I returned her son to her arms.

Returning

When we were born, we all breathed like babies. And then somewhere in the transition from baby to “little person,” we forgot how to breathe. We lost the connection to our belly, and to that place that grounds us to the earth.

But, we can definitely recapture this feeling. We want to breathe this way. It only requires training and desire.
Najya, Bahir and I stood together in the silence for a few more minutes.

“How do you feel now?” I asked.

She replied, “Wonderful!”

“Practice this,” I said. “Mimic the way your son breathes and let him teach you,” I said.

I stood there for a few minutes more and then quietly slipped out of the room.

It was a wonderful day. One of my favorite parts of the day was to walk around and watch the children rolling in play doh, making jewelry, playing on the play ground or in the nursery, so content and being rocked and played with by a volunteer care-giver.

I saw nearly 20 “clients” that day. But Najya was the most memorable. As I packed up my table and supplies at the end of the day and carried them to my car, I noticed Najya from across the parking lot. She glanced up and saw me. She placed her hand on her belly, and I could see that she took a deep breath from all the way across the parking lot. She closed her eyes and smiled.

It’s amazing what children can teach us.

Breathing,

December 6, 2009 in Emotional Healing, featured by empoweringwellness

Reclaiming Your Body and Spirit – Loving Touch and Trauma Recovery

I wrote this article for Owning Pink and it was first published there on September 30, 2009. Domestic violence is still a scourge in our country, with 3 women each day being killed by their partner. Please. If you are a victim, read this article and know: you are not alone. There are people ready, willing and able to help.

Sometimes, you have to go a long way out of the way, in order to come back a short distance correctly. – From “The Zoo Story,” by Edward Albee

Time: The Present

I’ve come to my current career very late in my life. After working for many years in both government and in the corporate world, I walked away from that life 5 years ago. I wanted to do something completely different. I wanted to help people in a different way. So, I became a massage therapist and coach, and now just like the character in Albee’s play, I feel that I’m on my proper path and I’m on a collision course with my destiny.

The story doesn’t stop there however. I could be working in a spa somewhere, doing hot stone massage, or lavender salt scrub treatments (which are both great by the way!). No, my path is very different. I work with women who are victims and survivors of abuse and trauma. The majority of my clients are victims of sexual abuse or domestic violence.

In many respects trauma is something that we’ve all experienced to one degree or another. You may have been in or have witnessed an accident or other traumatic event. You might have received invasive surgery. Or, you may have experienced violence at the hand of a partner or spouse. Trauma is all around us, and we are all survivors.

Most of us actually diminish the effects of trauma to the detriment of our physical and emotional health. Victims quickly learn survival and coping skills. They dissociate from their bodies. In extreme cases, they become numb from the effects of drugs or alcohol, and they begin to lose feeling in their bodies. The pain is numbed out, but this process is not selective. Victims also cannot feel joy, and they numb out their capacity to feel safe and alive and enjoy the world around them.

So, the work of the therapist here is, to gently and lovingly, reintroduce touch back to the victim. A sensitive and caring therapist guides clients through this process, asking “Where is the pain or tension?” and always asking permission to touch. Over the course of the work, the client slowly begins to take residence in her body again.

You may think that I have taken an odd or unusual path. I have wondered about that myself, especially in the beginning. When I first started my practice, I wondered, “Why are these women coming to see me? What is it that I’m putting out there?” But as I have moved down this path, the answer became clearer to me, and as you might expect, the answer was really right in front of me all the time.

You see, I have witnessed and have experienced abuse first hand and I too am a survivor of sorts.

Time: The Past

My father was a functional alcoholic. On the surface, he was friendly and gregarious. But, when he drank a very dark side came out. I witnessed my father slamming my sister into a wall and beating her for some infraction that I no longer am able to remember. I routinely cowered in my room; afraid to come out as my father abused my mother, listening to shouting and screaming matches that seemed to go on for hours, but I’m sure were really only minutes.

When I was four years old, I disobeyed my father. I wanted to go outside and play. It had been raining and there was water everywhere. My father said, “Don’t get wet or you will be very sorry!”

I went outside, and as little boys are likely to do, I jumped in puddles and splashed around everywhere.

I got wet. I was soaked to the skin.

When my mother called me for dinner, I got scared. I ran and hid in a little secret garden space in a hedgerow located on the side of our house. Perhaps if I stayed there long enough I would dry. But, I was so wet that I began to shiver. I sat there, listening to my mother call me, and then my father. I heard footsteps and then I saw my father’s face. He saw that I was soaked.

The last thing I remember was the look of anger on his face as grabbed my arm and pulled me violently into the air. I vaguely remember the first blow, and I have no further recollections after that. I have tried over the years to remember, but the memories are completely blacked out. I can remember, several hours later, seeing my father in the darkened living room watching television. I remember walking over to the sofa, asking him if I could sit next to him, and asking him if he still loved me. But, I cannot remember anything else. Those minutes, those moments, are completely lost to me.

As I grew older, the yelling, screaming and fighting continued. When I was sixteen, it finally stopped.

It was a particularly violent argument. My father had been drinking again and the usual scene was being played out. I was in my room, fearing the worst when I heard my father say to my mother, “I’m going to kill you.” I will never forget those words.

The rest is a blur to me, but I remember running to the kitchen and stepping in between my father and mother. I stared into his eyes and saw the rage.
I was terrified when I said, “Don’t you touch my mother.”

My fists clenched and I was ready to take the first blow, but I was determined that this would end, right then and there.

He just stared at me. Once again, time seemed to stop for me. It seemed like an eternity. My father mumbled something. I stiffened, ready to fight back, my fists clenched. He mumbled something again, and then he softened and turned away. My mother just looked at me and said, “Go to bed. It’s ok.”

That was the last violent time I remember. Yes, there were the disagreements that most families have. But, the screaming and the shouting stopped. I felt I could breathe at last. We all could.

Time: The Present. A Typical Session.

Working with trauma victims / survivors is very different. It’s not a typical massage session.

Initial sessions are usually done with the client fully clothed and every session is different, and tailored to the specific needs of my clients. There is no protocol, no cookbook. I do start with the detailed physical and medical history, and I ask a lot of questions about a client’s emotional health. I need to understand what she is ready for, and what she is willing to undertake. I usually ask a very simple question. “Is there anything in your past that you would feel comfortable sharing with me today?”

I almost always start with some sort of visualization and breathing exercise. I ask the client to take stock of her body, to scan it and I ask if there is any place that feels pain, tension, or feels empty. The client has to set the tone of the session. It is her session, not mine. She sets the pace. I will ask if there is an area of her body where she would like to receive work, and then I ask if she would like some contact in that area.

Sometimes, I will ask her to touch the part of her body where she would like to receive work. Permission is always required, as the goal of the session is to bring the client back into her body, to reconnect the mind and body, and to awaken the client. Throughout this process, I’m constantly checking in with the client to identify any feelings that may be taking shape.

The most important aspect of the work is to pay attention and be exceptionally present for her. This is not the time for me to be thinking about the errands I have to run on my way home from the office, or what I have to do tomorrow, or what I’d like to have for dinner or lunch. I am constantly monitoring my client’s reactions to see how my touch affects her. Is she clenching her teeth, her fists? Is her brow furrowed? Has her breathing pattern changed?

Subtle touch and energy modalities such as Reiki and Cranial Sacral Therapy can also be effective. I have taught Reiki to clients – there are a number of self-healing and grounding exercises that can help to restore a person. I also focus on mindfulness and teach conscious breathing and other meditative practices to help a client live in this moment, in this now. Over time, they learn to live one day at a time.

It takes time. But, a sensitive therapist, within the therapeutic environment, can help a client fully connect mind and body, and help the client to safely release the sensations associated with the trauma or abuse. It is only through this kind of release that you can truly heal. Unless you completely let go, your body continues to experience the trauma at a subconscious level. When we fully let go of the pain of our past, we can embrace life in the present, and experience the love and beauty of living in the moment.

Where to turn for help:

You’re scared. You’re frightened. You feel alone and feel that you have no place to go.
But, you are not alone and you can get help. Most major metropolitan areas have rape crisis centers. There are also resources for domestic violence.

In an emergency: Call 911 if you need immediate assistance of if you’ve already been hurt.

For advice and support: If you or someone you know is frightened about something in your relationship, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1−800−799−SAFE (7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline is a nonprofit organization that provides crisis intervention, information and referral to victims of domestic violence, perpetrators, friends and families. Help is available to callers 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. Hotline advocates are available for victims and anyone calling on their behalf to provide crisis intervention, safety planning, information and referrals to agencies in all 50 states, Puerto Rico and the U.S. Virgin Islands. Assistance is available in English and Spanish with access to more than 170 languages through interpreter services.

For rape or sexual assault: RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network).RAINN is the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization. At any given moment, more than 1,100 trained volunteers are on duty and available to help victims at RAINN-affiliated crisis centers across the country.

To reach a qualified counselor for help, call 1-800-656-HOPE.

For a safe place to stay: Contact your state’s branch of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence or another local organization. For contact information, visit their site.

If you are being abused please remember:

• You are not to blame for being battered or mistreated.
• You are not the cause of your partner’s abusive behavior.
• You deserve to be treated with respect.
• You deserve a safe and happy life.
• Your children deserve a safe and happy life.
• You are not alone. There are people waiting to help.

If you are a survivor, it is indeed possible to reclaim your body and reconnect to your spirit. It takes courage, and it can be done.

Forgiveness

As for me, I’m still working to reclaim the memories of that four year old boy. I want those memories back, even if they are painful. They are mine. They have made me who I am today. I want to know what happened. I need to know what happened so that I will never forget. I own those memories, and I will recover them.

Over time, I forgave my father. I never fully understood why he would boil over in such a rage when he drank. Perhaps it was something in his childhood. He rarely would share his emotions or his experiences. Perhaps it was due to the fact that he lost both of his parents when he was only 5 years old.

Or perhaps his rage was caused by his experiences in WWII. He fought with the US Army throughout Europe and would never, ever talk about what he did, or what he saw. Post-traumatic stress syndrome was barely known back then. They called it “shell shock,” or “battle fatigue,” and treatment was inconsistent and usually ineffective.

There always was an uneasy tension between us created by the memory of that night when I was 16 years old. My father is an enigma to me and I will never know him. He passed away in 1984. We spent the intervening years with small talk and chit chat. We never, ever talked about that night, or about any of the hundreds of nights when there was anger and violence. He’s gone now, and I missed my opportunity to get to know and understand him.

If he were here today, I would have the courage to reach out to him. I have different skills now, and I’m a much different person. It is the courage that only comes from having traveled a long way out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly.

Peace.